


BOGOFree (happiness guarantee not included)

by youngerdrgrey



Category: Superstore (TV)
Genre: 30 x 31 Writing Challenge, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 09:26:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9315407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngerdrgrey/pseuds/youngerdrgrey
Summary: or,the time Amy and Jonah got married at work.prompt:accidental marriage





	

 

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Someone (Glenn) gets it in their (his) head that a great way to take over new markets would be to offer training classes at Cloud 9. Not normal classes, like cooking, or sewing, because people could go to Michael's for that. No, Cloud 9 would offer cool training classes, like jingle making, or how to become an ordained minister. And when that someone (Glenn) first suggests the idea, another someone (Amy) insists that she doesn't want to work the stupid training that will only give more people the power to lock people into relationships forever. So of course, Amy winds up being one of the volunteers for the class.

She and Garrett get stuck with Glenn, who happily explains the steps and procedures of the actual ceremonies to the four people dumb enough to spend their whole day in a supermarket.  Then there's some practice sessions, the actual exam set up on the computers in the electronics section, and a final that Glenn insists will be the best Not Wedding in Cloud 9 history.

Only, the Not Wedding turns into a much bigger deal than it needs to. Because someone (in this case, Cheyenne) wants the wedding to have a theme, so the new ministers can really get into it, and then Garrett decides that he wants to be the one to officiate the wedding rather than be in it, so he rushes off to get himself a nice suit to match the classy, all eyes on me wedding that's happening.

Long story even longer, Jonah fills in. Cheyenne turns all the video cameras on to stream the wedding throughout the store. Amy wears her own name tag for the first time in six months. And Glenn -- hopeful, oblivious, romantic Glenn -- tells them to write their vows and get ready in the break room.

"And don't look at each other," Glenn tells them, backing out of the room. "It's bad luck."

Amy whips around to glare at him. "We're not actually getting married!" But Glenn leaves without another word. So, then it's just Amy and Jonah, alone, in the dimly lit room, on their wedding day. "You don't have to wear a tie."

Jonah shrugs on his side of the room. "Glenn said I could keep whatever I wore today so... new blue tie." It has stripes on it, but diagonal stripes, so it's blue and silver. Honestly, it makes Amy think of a Ravenclaw tie, so it's just the right level of nerdy for him. Though, she's not sure if Jonah's exactly a Ravenclaw. He talks a lot, sure, but his knowledge doesn't really seem based in anything but a never ending curiosity. Then again, a never ending curiosity sounds pretty Ravenclaw-esque.

She's nerding out. It's dumb. He can have his nerd tie, and she can keep the nice sweater she chose for the event.

Jonah clears his throat. "So, uh, what do you want to do for the honeymoon?" He laughs his awkward joke laugh, but Amy can't really find it in herself to laugh with him.

"I don't know, go home, be with my actual husband." If he comes out of the basement, or talks to her long enough, if maybe Adam acts like a real person instead of moping around and continuing to be a constant drain on the energy in the house. And, she probably shouldn't put it all on Adam. She's the one who first said she was unhappy and opened this whole Pandora's box of awfulness, but he can't even handle this like an adult. He can't just be a full person long enough to figure out what comes next.

"Right." Jonah shifts in his chair. The whole thing squeaks along the floor. "Sorry."

She waves him off. "It's fine." She should turn and actually look at him. No use in not looking since they're not getting real married, right? But, it feels nice to play into it a bit. To pretend that maybe this could be what her wedding was like. Nothing forced or wrapped around the kid growing inside of her. Just something fun, light, like a game between friends that never really has to end if they won't want it to.

Being married to Jonah would probably be awful though. He'd wake you up with random facts and tidbits of information that nobody actually needs to know. She'd probably have to start actually listening to them too. Hard to be dismissive to a spouse without turning abusive so, Amy'd have to care about some of what he's saying. And she'd probably have to look into his eyes when they get all bright instead of looking away, and she'd have to kiss him. Which would be the best way to shut him up. Kiss him until all the facts blur together and he can't remember anything but what it's like to feel her around him.

She shifts in her chair. Blinks a few times. "You know, if they care so much about this fake wedding, we should've gotten rings."

Jonah laughs. "Okay, wait, I want to tell you something, but you can't laugh."

She winces, gaze still straight out at the microwave. "The second you say that I prep myself to laugh. You get that, right?"

"Don't laugh. Seriously, Amy. I've had this dream, since I was a kid, to find a ring like the one in _My Date With the President's Daughter_ \--"

"The Disney movie?" She only sounds mildly judgy, by the way, so she should get props.

"Yup, that one."

"With Eric from _Boy Meets World_?" Just to clarify.

She can legit hear him nodding. "Yup."

"The creepy holographic eye ring?" Which, seriously, was a cheap ring from, like, a gumball machine that blinked when it was moved, so it winked at you.

Jonah keeps on nodding though. "Yeah, that's the one. It's the epitome of romance."

If she stares hard enough into the microwave, she can almost see him. See his reflection grinning to himself while his voice gets that sort of air behind it that mans he actually genuinely cares about something. "I always thought you were single because you just annoyed everyone, but I mean, this makes sense too. You have no idea what romance is."

He scoffs. "What--you're telling me that that ring wouldn't make you swoon."

"No, of course not." It's cheap and tacky and it's not like it's the one thing he won and the only way to show his true appreciation. It has no weight in their actual lives beyond being some nerdy gift from a bad Disney movie.

He clicks his tongue. "Okay."

She has half a mind that says he owns the dumb ring somewhere. "I'm serious." It wouldn't even be that cute. And they can't wear rings at work.

He says, "That's fine. Didn't say I was giving one to you."

She sputters. Not a lot just, you know, enough. "Dude." He starts to turn towards her, she can see it in the reflection, so she turns further away from him. "Dude! I'm your wife." Hypothetically. "If anyone's getting a creepy ring, it should be me."

"Hm, okay. It's settled then."

"Wait, what?" She doesn't want the ring. She's just saying if anyone gets a ring, she should get one, even if it's cheesy and dumb and shows that he's still a kid while also maybe showing that he understands the importance of actually making gestures instead of just assuming the other person knows that you care about them. But she doesn't want the ring! "What just happened?"

His chair squeaks again as he gets up. His footsteps scuff against the floor. His hands come to rest on her shoulders, and he turns her around in her chair. He's got a dumb grin on his face, and that stupid Ravenclaw tie swings somewhere between them when he bends over to be at her level.

"You just chose your engagement ring. Thanks, babe." He wiggles his eyebrows in punctuation. She'd be offended if it wasn't vaguely, well, hot.

"You don't get to call me 'babe,'" she tells him, "I'd call you 'babe.'" And because she has to prove herself, "Got it, babe?"

"Got it. Totally. Understood."

She nods. God, his face is too close to hers, and this stupid wedding should just happen already. "We should see what's taking them so long." She gets up, and he steps back to let her get up, but not as far as he should. They wind up practically chest to chest. "Jonah."

He stares down his impossibly long eyelashes to her. "Hm?"

"Babe?" She flutters her normal person eyelashes at him.

"Yeah?"

She forces up a glare, the strongest one she can, all the tension and fire in her body gets redirected straight into her eyes. "Take a step back!" He jumps back, stumbles over his own feet. "God, it's a fake marriage, dude. Don't get caught up." She stalks out of the break room as quick as her legs will take her.

She still hears him, though, when he mumbles, "Says the woman thinking about rings. Whatever. Babe."

/

/


End file.
